Pottbaden, Earth-Born Alien


Pottbaden, Earth-Born Alien is an extension of Mary Carmen’s Ontrombe Trilogy. The Ontrombe Trilogy concluded with the diary written by Tally Ontrombe, a daughter of the queen of the planet of Drintde. This diary described the 2205 birth of her half-brother, Pottbaden, after their mother arrived in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on a visit to Tally’s father’s family. Pottbaden was a full-blooded Drintdeian, the son of the queen and an architect who allowed himself to be talked into contributing his sperm to help the Drintdeian royal family produce an heir. Tally, probably just as fine an heir, was half-Earthling, and the royals decided they couldn't get her past the Parliament’s scrutiny.

As soon as Pottbaden was made the Crown Prince, his paternal grandparents sued for custody, claiming the royal family would provide an unsuitable environment for a child. Although a joint custody arrangement was ordered, his grandmother continued to make trouble for the royal youngster and his mother.

Pottbaden decided to go to Drintde when he was twelve Earthling years old. Another legal brouhaha involving his mother and his paternal grandparents delayed the start of the trip for a year. As soon as he arrived on Drintde, Pottbaden realized the sales of the planet’s main exports, metals and minerals, were depressed. He started to act as the planet’s chief salesentity. Within an Earthling year sales of platinum were brisk and sales of silver were better than before, mostly due to Pottbaden’s habit of sending emerald bracelets to buyers after their invoices were paid. Since Drintde had and still has emeralds to burn, these gifts cost little but were very appreciated and led to even more sales.

This book describes how Pottbaden found love with the use of fifty envelopes, each containing five hundred in Universal Gold. With love came six sons.

All was not happy on Drintde, though. When Pottbaden cut off the planet of Hatword after Hatword refused to pay on its enormous, overdue account, robots from Hatword attacked Drintde. The ensuing Universal Supreme Court case, Drintde v. Hatword, is still referenced today by scholars of accounts receivable.

Tally, too, had problems. Brazil attacked the United States of North America, and Tally served as an Army officer, delaying her career as a concert pianist.

Pottbaden tells his story with reminiscences and many actual messages sent to and received from Tally, his great Earthling friend Gianni, his lovers, his wives, and his sons.

Sample Chapters

Prince Regent of Drintde
Drintde Parliament Building

July 1, 2224
Dear Tally,
I hope you read this message before you see the announcement on the Universal Message Service about my engagement to Matroa. Our mother gave her approval just yesterday, and she may have discussed this with you but I suspect not.

As you may know, I could have a child out of wedlock without the approval of the crown, but I could not marry without that approval. All my children will be eligible to be the next monarch, even if I die before our mother, but this marriage business is just something Matroa wanted.

“We have been seeing each other for over a year,” Matroa said heatedly. “That’s enough. Either decide about marriage or let me go. As you Earthlings say, fish or cut bait!”

“You are proposing to me?” I asked incredulously. “I am the regent of this hexed crown, and you want to connect your fortunes to mine?”

“You are amusing,” she admitted. “I don’t need your money, and I don’t need this constant pressure from the media about what you are doing, but it would be fun to spend more time together.”

“I don’t have more time to spend together,” I explained. “I have my sales work and I have my toddler. You and I have been seeing each other once a week, and that has been the extent of my free time. I should be visiting various outposts of the realm, but I have been tied to my small apartment and my duties here.”

“You can get a bigger apartment,” Matroa said. “You have enough cash coming in for all sorts of things.”

“You are not aware of the priorities, my dear,” I replied. “There are roads that have been out of service for nearly twenty years, there are widows and orphans who have not received a raise in benefits since the bombing, and there are Members of the Parliament who cannot afford a decent house in the capital. There is no more space in the Parliament building, and the Parliament cannot afford to provide security for another building. We are really just getting lifted up from the terrible depression that started in 2205.”

“We can get married and I’ll still live at home,” she suggested. “That will make it fine with everybody, including my mother.”

“I can’t marry you and not provide a home,” I said. “I’ll have to rearrange things in the apartment so that you have some space. Your maid will need to live elsewhere, though.”

“I don’t have a maid,” Matroa told me.

“The wife of the prince regent will have a maid,” I insisted. “We can’t skimp on anything as important as that.”

So, dear Tally, we fought through that episode, just as we are likely to fight through all our big decisions. It seems less like a fairytale romance than a business deal, where each of us has a price to pay for continuing the relationship.

Our mother talked to us on the video service of the Universal Voice System. She looks good to me, quite rested and relaxed. The ever-present Miss Connoque was there, too, but she did not say anything. Mother asked Matroa a couple of questions about her family, answers she could have found in the briefing handout, but she mostly talked to Orowilnox, who was sitting on Whitta’s tutor’s knee.

My valet guards are feverishly working on putting together an outfit for me to wear at the wedding, and I fear I will look like a character in an operetta. Matroa and her mother are also working with my valet guards on their clothing, and we are borrowing some jewels from our sales supplies, jewels that will later be sent to big platinum or uranium buyers.

Keep watching the Universal Message Service for reports about this crazy production. I’ll be the one in the pictures who looks like the very model of a modern major general.
I have been so worried by all of this nonsense that I have not been following the news from Earth. After Brazil took over the Panama Canal, what happened next?

P. B.  

Princess Consort of Drintde
Farnoll Embassy

March 13, 2228
The Universal Message Service is full of pictures of you with this Rotha, and I want you to remember to be more discreet when you are escorting one of your tramps in the capital. I thought that tart Insuma was bad enough, but this Rotha is absolutely the limit! These sluts surely know you are married, even though you hand out envelopes with money like you are some Sugar Daddy.

And now you are seen in public, walking around the big hole, with a whore of a woman who has to be at least four months gone!

Think of Ureyroa if you can’t think of me. What will he grow up to be if he sees his own father siring children right and left with these trollops?


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