Madame Olatana, Warbut Astrologer

Synopsis

Queen Mastila, that troubled consort on the planet of Warbut, consulted the capital’s premier astrologer for most of her husband’s busy reign. Readers of Judy, Winny, and Alfie saw Madame Olatana in action as King Hutarfe’s plans for feeding the Wiklvings were realized, plans that involved bringing wealthy Earthlings to an undesirable island on Warbut. Then, when King Hutarfe died after the lunatic King Edsella of Lillitzen leveled the Warbut royal palace with a bomb, Queen Mastila sought out Madame Olatana in the book Bartlia VI for help with her children, the scheming Prince Nerumgy and the smart but naïve Princess Bartlia.

Now Madame Olatana has a book of her own, one that includes twelve stories about the astrologer’s clients.

  • Dr. Prucilla Weathers is an Earthling who is looking for love and companionship, but she finds, instead, two androgynous Lillitzian siblings who make her an easy mark.
  • Shasian Shepcover is Queen Mastila’s white-sheep cousin who can’t hold down a job, even though he has an easy manner with women.
  • Evela Trodias is a scientist who can’t marry her lover because he is, unbeknownst to her, her half brother.
  • Chef Glocy is so uppity that no Warbutian woman will accept a second date with him.
  • Isabella Witchen is a Warbut-born Earthling who appears to be condemned to an arranged marriage with the son of the neighboring farmer.
  • Piev Fallgan is a very old Warbutian who wants a partner who can fix her plumbing problems.
  • Frak Fallgan has a birth chart with too many warning signs, and Madame Olatana asks her to get out of town immediately.
  • Lucilla Seaten is anxious for marriage, even though the Earthling is only thirty.
  • Wizzent Gerbyal is a married Batwig from the planet of Clarkl who becomes enamored over a software saleswoman during a trip to the planet of Farnoll.
  • Carls Wunwak is a male Warbutian who finds his income as a professional prostitute dwindling as he grows older.
  • Lotgh Wilnaugh is an ombudsman who attempts to resolve Madame Olatana’s invoice to the Prime Minister but quickly finds himself homeless and partnerless.
  • Finally, King Edsella, the outsized androgynous former monarch, wants to know when it will be released from its solitary confinement in the Alto Reste Psychiatric Hospital on the planet of Lillitzen, but finds, instead, that only a wish or two will be favored in the foreseeable future.

Madame Olatana, as well, has problems. She cannot keep a receptionist for more than a few weeks, invoices to clients go unpaid for months, and bill collectors frequently interrupt her work.

His Grace the Duke of Swemor, a policeman and King Hutarfe’s brother, clamors for help with a murder case, and Sergeant Iwan is just as much in need of help when the Duke ascends his brother’s throne.

Sample pages:

From Prucilla Weathers’ Story

On Lillitzen, an enormous planet far, far away from Warbut, the elephantine androgynous entities were continually discussing with each other what to do to get out from under the influence of their monarch, the crazy Edsella.

Like almost all other adult Lillitzen natives, Edsella was about sixty inches in circumference. Unlike all other adult Lillitzen natives, Edsella had inherited the planet’s crown from its grandsire, and it intended to milk that crown for all it was worth. There is no pleasure in being the ruler of millions of outsized entities unless you can find a few simple pleasures by buying armaments that will allow you to blow up your enemies.

“All this is very well,” Bed Fordbreez told its only sibling, “but we need to get ourselves out of here. That nutty king nearly took our last dollar a month ago, and now we will need to sell our mother’s cemetery lot, with Mom already in it.”

“What’s happening with that letter you wrote to Warbut?” Wood Fordbreez asked.

“The one with that fiddled picture? I wish I looked that good, but the Universal Supreme Court’s clerk didn’t even glance at it when I submitted it,” Bed answered.

“Yes, that’s the one. Surely you have heard something? Another rejection, I guess,” Wood replied.

“I have received four notes from this fellow Ralli, a flunky of some kind who works for the principal. Everything is still in play. I’m now on a shortlist, whatever that may be. Not yet rejected.”

“Who is the principal?”

“An Earthling woman, described as congenial and prosperous. All Earthlings are described as congenial. An intelligent Earthling is almost unknown, but a prosperous one on Warbut is unusual,” Bed replied.

“How can an Earthling get to Warbut without plenty in the bank?” Wood wanted to know.

“You have to remember how Warbut got started as a destination for the misplaced and dissatisfied,” Bed said, wagging a fat finger. “The king on Warbut needed money to feed a rogue clan of shiftless natives, and that king came up with a plan to sell useless land located far away from his planet’s equator to Earthlings who were victims of the rise of Earth’s lower classes.”

“Rich people?”

“Some were rich and some were impoverished nobleentities. For every ten rich land buyers an insolvent former king or former duke could sign up, the Warbut king would give that former nobleentity a certain number of acres for nothing. The Warbut king also included with the free acres an extremely cheap house, transportation to Warbut for the entire family, and several farming robots.”

“And Earthlings really were willing to go to Warbut? Onto all that undesirable land?”

“You have to understand, Wood, that in the Earthling’s year of 2200 Earth was full of snooty out-of-work monarchs. Those entities garnered no respect from other Earthlings and had very little money. They also feared for their lives.”

“So they went to Warbut and took their claques with them?”

“Many did just that,” Bed replied, nodding its enormous head. “The Earthlings who were able to buy land from the king of Warbut were some of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and they took that wealth and their progeny to Warbut.”

“How can they make any money on Warbut?”

“Most of these Earthlings run businesses that involve a Universal clientele,” Bed said. “Import, export, manufacturing. That kind of thing. The principal stays in Warbut and directs the business.”

“Why don’t we do the same and avoid this congenial Earthling woman?” Wood appropriately asked.

“We don’t know anything about running a business, that’s why. We are physicists, and some of the best on Lillitzen, even though we are currently out of work due to Edsella’s ongoing concentration on armaments that will destroy the planet of Drintde. Remember that we decided not to take part in such projects.”

“Indeed we did. And have you told this Ralli there will be two of us coming to meet this Earthling?” Wood asked.

“No. I thought we could use the rest of our money to pay for the passage on the spacecraft for you. That’s if she selects me, with my fake picture and my overstated résumé,” Bed replied.

“But you would need to have sexual relations with an Earthling woman? Probably an old maid, with a tight box.”

“If I don’t agree to sexual relations, we will be back here in three months, the time it will take a craft to travel between Lillitzen and Warbut. And we can’t afford the return passage,” Bed answered.

“And we can’t afford to pay King Edsella, either. After Mom’s cemetery lot is confiscated, we don’t have any asset left, except for just enough credit on our Universal Gold Credit Card to pay for my passage to Warbut. Edsella will enslave us as household workers, demanding we wear livery,” Wood guessed.

“That’s our only alternative, as I see it,” Bed said.

From King Edsella’s Story

“Now, Your Majesty, just ask your questions. We can look forward in time as far as you wish,” Madame Olatana said as she began her reading for King Edsella.

“When will I get my wish?” the insane former monarch quickly asked.

“Wish, Your Majesty? A wish is governed by the eleventh house, and your eleventh house is not yet under favorable influences. However, in seven months you will be granted a wish, perhaps two. Seven months from today,” Madame Olatana predicted.

“And health?”

“Health is indicated by the aspects made to the ruler of the sixth house, Your Majesty,” Madame Olatana said. “I see no problem with your health. In fact, most entities would be very happy to have your health aspects. Some of my clients would be willing to exchange any amount of money for your health, if that could be done.”

“Eh?”

“Health, Your Majesty, is a culmination of the habits and mindsets of a lifetime. If you keep to good habits in diet and exercise, and if you think happy thoughts about your life, your health will be glowing,” Madame Olatana added, just to make sure Its Majesty was able to understand her.

“And when am I going to get out of this mental institution?” King Edsella wanted to know.

“I cannot say, Your Majesty,” Madame Olatana replied. “The twelfth house of the horoscope rules all involuntary incarceration, and this house will be afflicted for years and years and years.”

“What good is a reading with you if there is no good news?” King Edsella roared.

“You have some good news about a wish, to be granted in seven months, Your Majesty,” Madame Olatana replied. “And your health remains an advantageous factor in your existence.”

“What is a wish and good health if I am to be locked up here for years and years and years?” King Edsella snarled.

“Each of us has some good aspects, Your Majesty, and each of us has some difficult aspects. Our challenge in this lifetime is to make a meaningful existence as we blend these talents and challenges,” Madame Olatana droned on.

“This reading is nothing but nonsense! I want dates and amounts, and you are giving me platitudes! I will never call you again for a reading!”

“Very well, Your Majesty. If you change your mind, we will be here for you.”

The Universal Message Service signaled the end of the call as soon as King Edsella had slammed the terminal against the wall of its room at the Alto Reste Hospital.


 
 
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